I know we all have our little hang-ups — things that drive us mad. And, some of those coincide with when we go out to eat.
One of mine is mouth noises. If I can hear you chewing, I also likely plotting where to bury your body.
There are a few things that disgust me. Chewing with your mouth open. Talking with food in your mouth.
Whatever it is that you think you have to say, it can wait until you have chewed and swallowed your food.
I used to work with a person who was a lovely human except she did not close her mouth at ALL when she chewed. It was like watching a front-loading washing machine try to eat a taco.
Grooming in Public
At nice mid-priced restaurant, I sat waiting for a table. Designated to get the table for our large party, I couldn’t exactly leave without repercussions.
The woman next to me dug into her massive pillow-sized chartreuse purse and pulled out a nail file.
I was worried she was going to start filing her nails because I don’t want to be inhaling someone’s nail cells. Bad, enough I have to think of how many skin cells are shed in a day and how many of those I have inhaled!
But, I wasn’t so lucky — it was about to get much, much worse.
Chatting away to her friend, the woman began frantically rooting around in that ginormous purse until she pulled out a massive nail clipper large enough to cut cordwood.
Sensing the hell that was about to be randomly flung at me, I leaped away from the bench, racewalked across the lobby floor right as the first nail clipping flew through the air landing mere inches from me. Realizing that shard of keratin landed dangerously close, I darted again moving out of the fall-out zone. Unfortunately, I could still see and hear the show. In full living color. (Lowered Expectations, anyone?)
When she finished clipping her nails, the haze of nail-cells-fog began as she rapidly and with a scary amount of zeal filed each nail. A small white-floury pile of nail cells grew on the floor at her feet.
Winner, Winner, I’ll Pass on Dinner
Regardless of the open mouth noisy eaters and the nail groomers, I’ve had the experience of someone who outclasses them all. Puts them to all to shame. They all pale in comparison.
At a nice sitdown restaurant, a well-dressed woman sitting at the head of the table of a large party a few feet away dug into her purse. They had just ordered drinks when she pulled out a slender bright yellow enameled and crystal encrusted container and opened it. She removed what appeared to be an equally bright and shiny yellow pen. She took the “pen” and began vigorously rubbing the back of her neck before contorting a bit to be able to slide it between her shoulder blades and obviously rub it there like a wiper blade in an Indiana summer rainstorm.
She made quite a show of it complete with lots of wiggling and sighing and even a moan.
While everyone else at her table ignored this bizarro display, the person at the opposite end of her table was intrigued and made the foolish error of asking, “What is that?”
“A razor,” she replied now trying to use her free hand to push her elbow of her razor welding arm further back to seemingly be able to reach further down her back.
“Cutting the hair on the back of my neck and between my shoulders,” she said wiping the blade on her cloth napkin.